Arch's Fire

On 11-12-02 This is what I dreamed

Walking around at night. Meet up with Amanda. She's crying. her friends are around. I ask what's wrong. She says her mom died. Dismembered car in driveway. I give her a hug and say it's all right. Now I'm home and Sam's there. We're sitting on the steps. Sam's putting her boots on. I say Amanda might come over. Sam says what, why? I tell her what happen. She's about to say something when everything went dark. And then I woke up.

Sam's dreams

On - 11-10-02
I was talking to Sam on the phone and I had a gun. She was telling me to put it down and I said ok. She heard a bang and started screaming my name. She told her mom to take her to my house and she found I had shot myself in the head.

On - 11-11-02
Sam story as above only I stabbed myself in the heart instead

On - 11-12-02
I was yelling at her on the phone then went to her house and yelled. All of a sudden she's standing on a stool I kicked it away and hung her.

Open your eyes to see the face that is concealed
Open your minds to know what is within
Open your ears to hear the silent cries
Open your thoughts to believe in what isn't there
Open your hears to feel the hidden pain

She's locked away somewhere inside what isn't there
Her mask is almost impossible to remove
The pain she has, she can only feel
She hides what's inside only to pretend
The cries she has, only she can hear

Open eyes that sees the concealed face
Open mind that knows what's inside
Open ears that hear the silent cries
Open thoughts that believe what isn't there
Open heart that feels the pain

He knows she's locked in what isn't there
He tries to remove the mask
He feels the pain that only she knows
He wishes to pull her out of hiding
He wants to wipe away her tears

He tries to see the face beneath the mask
She pushes him away
He tries once more
Only to be pushed again
He leaves the mask but still wants to know the face

He finds her hiding place
She retreats to another
He follows to pull her out
She retreats readily to attack
He feels she's hiding something, he doesn't want to pry

He goes to ease her pain
She attacks in a rage
He wants to take the pain
Her rage becomes even more
He realizes he's getting close to something

He goes to free her from what isn't there
To her it's so very real
He tries to take her to his reality
She fights, this is where she belongs
He's beginning to discover her past

He wishes to take her tears away
She protests him to leave her be
He finds something she doesn't want found
Her tears become red and he whips them away
But the tears turn to blood

Open your eyes to the face that is concealed
Open your minds to know what is within
Open your ears to hear the silent cries
Open your thoughts to believe in what isn't there
Open your hears to feel the hidden pain

Somewhere out there
I'll be waiting
For you to enter my life

Protector. You who guards
and guides the chosen of
the future.

Warrior. You who fights
to escape the royalty of
your true life.

Blade. You who claims
the honor of your family
name.

Firefly. You who discovers
the possible in the
impossible.

Oracle. You who hides
the sorrow of your life
to teach those chosen.

Huntress. You who hunts
those who cause the
danger to your family.

Cowboy. You who strives
to bring the help your friends
need and hide the past as well.

Ninja. You who comes
in black and fights to
free those in your life.

Assassin. You who hides
the truth and brings
the swords of justice.

Come ye now all who be chosen
In silver rains
And black stars

Bring to be
The Alliance well sought
To end the rain of blood

*This is from a fanfic I wrote forever and a day ago about G Gundam

You're one way to my face
Another when I turn away
Are you for real
Or is this just another
Lesson well learned
Are you a friend to the end
Or are you a two faced posser
You lie to both sides
You're never real
You're always shallow
You're making promises
With no intention to keep
You're ready to cut the line
So are you just another
Mindless clone
Or are you
Real underneath

*August 31, 2002

Hiding away
Pretending to be something I'm not
Waisting away my life
While another day paces by
Getting quite
Locked away inside
Another world of creation
Free from the lies and deception
The fear and hatred
Don't forget
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But words will never hurt me
Not forever anyways
That's when I decided
To take charge
My world my rules
You can't hurt me

*August 27, 2002

I'll be your director
And I'll be your writer
And I'll be your savior
And I'll be
The only one who ever hears
Your screams
Your cries
Your pain

I'll be there when you're alone
I'll be there when you're down
I'll pick you back up
I'll be there when there's no one else

I'll listen
And I'll come
And I will stay

I'll make sure there's nothing in your way
I'll be watching over you
I'll be there for the jokes and the laughs
I'll be there for the struggles and the fights

I'll be the director of your path
And I'll be the writer of your soul
And I'll be the savior of your life

I won't let you go into the darkness alone
I'll guide you through the fears of the night
I'll be there to hold you
When you're scared
When you're sad

And I'll make sure you're never alone

Again

*August 7, 2002

A trip to the past
Uncovers a world once loved
Everything so familiar
Yet so very strange

Mind pictures of little kids
All grown up know
Living life to the fullest
Out grown from old shells

Everything all changed around
Scared and thrilled at once
Seeing things the way they are
The way they should be

*August 4, 2002

In a world without resolution
You have to be something you're not
Everyone expects something of you

Can't be your own person
Can't talk
Can't speak
Can't look
Can't dress
The way you want

Gotta be a clone
Gotta act the way they want
Can't do what you want cause people don't like it
Just can't be the stand out

But that's what I am
The wallflower
The unique girl
That's me

*Note - OH MY FUCKING GOD I SERIOUSLY SPELLED GIRL 'GURL' WTF???

I somehow decided to post all of my old notebooks and the like on here for one reason or another that my sleep deprived brain came up with.

These previous entries where all from a notebook entitled 'Tia's Book of Misc 8th Grade Year'

In viewing these writings and actually typing them out I came to the conclusion that I was one interesting 13 year old. You just get to read them printed out on a screen, but I actually got to flip through the pages and reminisce. If I ever get my scanner working again I'll have to post some of those pages. They were mightily entertaining. Entertaining in a way that has me thanking whatever gods there be that I am NOT 13 years old any more and that my brain thoroughly matured.....Ok maybe not that much but enough for me to look back and be like 'What the fuck? Really??'

I think in regards to why I'm going through all this old stuff is to find some reminiscence of who I was and am because frankly I've come to the point where I look in the mirror and have litteraly no idea as to who the person is staring back at me. It is very disconcerting. Very. Somewhere along the lines in the past two or three years I have lost myself and I don't know how I happened to allow such a thing to happen. I can't remember the last time *I* actually wrote something. I'm 21 years old and yet it would seem that I have somehow given up.

My ramblings may make as little since as my life does right now, but maybe that will help me somehow.

I don't know who I am.
In a mindful and soulful since rather then a literal. Or perhaps it is literal. I don't know who I am. Long forgotten.

Perhaps this will somehow help me, to ramble and write things I've already said and done.

The Facts:

My name is Atiye. I'm 21 years of age. I live at home with my parents and my younger brother. I have no job at the moment, though I am looking for a new one seeing as how it has been a month of unemployment. I have two cats that I seem to adore. I have no friends. I do but I don't. Not in the emotional connection I once had with them. I don't venture out of my world. Introverted personality. I don't drive. I have no license for the simple fact that I do not seem motivated. I am not in school. For the past two years I've had to be the responsible one. I've taken care of everything. Out of the money I earned nearly 10+ grand was taken from me. Not taken, more like needed for the household. At the age of 19 I became the adult. I go no where. Not to the mall, the movies, the park, et al. Communication other then with family is rare. But I don't seem depressed. My mind is just. Gone. Maybe not gone, but not what it used to be. I'm not on drugs, not anymore. Not that I think I was before, but saying that probably makes that a yes. I no longer smoke. But I might again. I go through bouts of time where I don't smoke, maybe for months with no problem then I do again. Drinking? Not as much as I once did. At one time a bottle of whiskey would be killed the moment it reached my hands, now I've had the same bottle since July and it's maybe 1/4 of the way gone. I read. Continuously it seems. My book case can no longer hold it's weight. Music is a constant companion. Even knowing all this, what I like, hate. I still seem to no longer know myself. A part of me, more then a part, I feel that I am merely a sliver of what I once had been, is gone.
I was once described as a contradiction of contradictions. Did I cancel myself out somehow? Is that even possible? I'm lost in a haze, one that doesn't seem to dissipate. It's not caused by drugs or alcohol. In a way it's like I've lost my taste for life. Or the life I had, have. I don't know.
I think that's enough for now. It is 3 in the morning and I should try to sleep. But I don't think my brain knows how to do that anymore either.

DREAMS
Cloudy skies and warm breezes
Flying with out a care
No one screaming
No news blasts of war
Flying to the stars
Being and doing what I want
No more shedded tears
No angry voices
Not a care in the world
Flying to the farthest corner
Always asking what if
Always going for the distance
Flying for the chance
Freedom for the right to know
Always searching for more
Always coming to a new question
In this world that i have
Flying in my dreams
I say goodbye for now
Until night falls once more
So I may dream of a world once more

CHANGING
Under going so many changes
How I feel how I act
All changing around
Things on the inside coming out
So many things to say and do
Not enough time in the world
Everything I keep locked away
Is being opened up and sent all over

SO MIXED UP
In a comet of flames
I still find myself freezing
But when I'm
Under a sheet of ice
I still find myself burning

In a pit of despair
I still find myself in peace
But when I'm at peace
I find myself in despair

I don't know what's going on
I'm so mixed up
I can't do this anymore

I'm still so scared
Yet I'm still not afraid
I find myself so very brave
But a coward just the same

I'm so mixed up
I'm scared and brave
I'm freezing and burning
I'm in despair and peace
I'm strong and weak
I'm along or am I

What's wrong with me know
Am I strange or normal
But what is normal
And what is strange

Maybe I'm not mixed up
Or maybe I am
But who's to say

I'm just so mixed up now
*Note Awww....to be 13 again...on second thought...no

A PLACE
In the mists of life
And in the mists of death
There's something else
Something more then strange
I seem to find myself there so many times
A place so dark you can't see the light
So much trouble getting out
I don't feel alive
But I know I'm not dead
So what is this place
Why am I here
Where am I gonna go
*Note Ohhh...to not know how to use proper words like going to

UNTITLED
Feeling all changing
Growing apart from friends
Looking towards something else
Planning a future without them
And away from them
Getting quite and hiding away
Being ignored, no one noticing me
Friends just seem to leave me out
Gotta find someplace for me
Maybe this here was never meant to be
Or maybe it wasn't meant to last
*Note I'm sure you remember believing you'd be friends forever with people, then realizing you couldn't deal with them anymore. (On my spelling getting better, I'm sort of ashamed to even admit this but I spell ignored as 'acnored', WTF)

EYES
Windows to the soul
Keeper of all that is
Wonder of the path
Holder of the secrets
Say no truth
Tell no lies
Tricksters of the life
Colors undefined
Evil, spooky, enchanting
Mysterious, over whelming
Daring, trapping
Fire, light, darkness
All they can be
and more
Telling everything
There is to know
*Note I think for some reason at the age of 13 I tried to come off sounding like a wise man

I CAN NOT I WILL NOT
I can not talk
I will not talk
My life is trapped
I can not give up
I will not give up
My mind will not except
I can not believe
I will not believe
This is all there is
I can not trust
I will not trust
In what you say alone
*Note Oh this one I remember, it's actually about a fight that was happening between to of my friends that I had been put in the middle of and made to choose sides. On hindsight knowing what I know now about them I should have told them both to go suck a cock. (I spelled believe as beleave)

UNTITLED
Blood of love
Heart of chosen
Bring forth the child
To save the kind
Chosen and love
Never came before
One will change
The balance of the world
*Note And then I would write something completely off the wall and have to friggin clue where the hell it came from

ANTHEM
Shallow people
Hypocrites, bigots
Two faced
Non believers
All around me
People havin' to prove
Themselves to the world
Friends don't listen
Don't hear
Don't believe
Don't care
Only there to bring you down
No truth
Sad life
Sidewalk
No end
I can't stand
My best friend

UNTITLED
Winds of time
Knowledge of the spirit
Voices of the earth
Courage of the fire
Chill of the air
Power of the sea
In the balance
One world hangs
*Note Crack, pure crack

*Note, I give up trying to explain my 13 year old self

1) Time to see what life there is to have, when all you see is pain. All you feel is hate. All you know is anger. Let us tell the path of those untold, who can never die in spirit. Let them wonder. Let them see. Let them know. Let them think. Let them hope. Let them wish. Let them be. To the destined that is destiny. To the bindings of the spirits. Let the powers come and be.

2) The one thing I'll never fear besides fear itself is death. It comes to all one day or another. I can only hope that when i die it is as painless as can be. I can look death straight in the eye and say "you want me, come and get me" I can never fear death, because what is there to fear in starting over as someone else. I only hope a future me will feel the same as I do know

*Note, ok...maybe I wasn't that bad off at 13...I still believe that 100%, maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all.

3) View the world like nothing else ever seen. Try to detach from this place of hiding. To make it easier. This world. This place of time. Try to detach from this place of hiding. Try to describe the trauma.

4) Someone once said a great mind can be lost in one moment of happiness. Despair is a place I know well but for me to explain is only but impossible. Come to life with the knowledge of a thousand life times but don't think that is all to know. In a world with no light and no darkness nothing can live or can it?

5) Such shallow people all around. Material things mean everything. So conceded. So blinded by riches. Never noticing true beauty on the inside.

*Note Such is the way of the world my dear little 13 year old self'

6) Open arms are every where. I'm running away from all of the troubles, but they seem to always come back to me. There's nothing I can do once I run away from it. It always seems to find me once again and there's nothing I can do to get away from it and it's driving me insane and there's nothing I can do. All I really wanna know is why I have to always be left out. The worlds never fair, but is that my problem now. I don't care if you always beg. Just go the hell away. That's all I ask. Just leave me the fuck alone and go away now and forever. Life sucks I know, always alone nothing to do, just sit and stare at the walls. Always alone in my own little world. There's a storm going on in my head. My life sucks sometimes but I always seem to bounce right back.

7) Life in a memory is a dream. Life in a dream is hope. Life in hope is a memory.

*Note That is something that always stuck with me after I wrote it down. I even have it written on a chunk of marble

8) Live to the power that is life. Know all the universe has. Tell whether the clock of time is right or wrong. Tell the circle there is no end. Be to the stars as they are to the moon as she is to the sun as he is to the earth as mother is to life and as life is to you. Come to the step of cross. Tell as there is nothing to tell yet everything to tell. Nothing to lose and everything to lose. No deception to the path. The mystery that dazzles is only there to shine. The wonders of the spirits are only here to be unknown. Enter the mists of knowledge with heart and courage.

*Note And then there are those times I write blittering nonsense and actually find that something rather profound came out of it. The line 'the mystery that dazzles is only there to shine' I find to be utter profound truth.

9) Enter a world where your life never ends, 'cause you live through someone else. Where everything you ever knew wasn't the truth or a lie. Where you wonder forever.

*Note (why do I torture myself, really?) I friggen spelled enter with an 'i', and what happened to using whole words?

In wondering arms I will fall
Don't nobody even care

In wondering eyes I will be
Don't nobody even care

In wondering spirits I will fly
Don't nobody even care

In wondering minds I will see
Don't nobody even care

In wondering lives I will die
Don't nobody even care

In wondering souls I will live
Don't nobody even care

For me

*Note, I give up with explanations for my 13 year old self

Mesmerizing
Incredible
Special
Taunting
Suspenseful

Optimistic
Forceful

Timing
Horrified
Enchanted

Mystic
Obscure
Oriented
Noble

*Note, look at 101 for explanation

March 26, 2002
Trees
Someone ghoulish looking pointing
Back of drivers head
River
Light

March 27, 2002
Teddy bear
Toys
Trees / a lot of leaves
Big guy standing under 'em
Sideways car
Bald guy with beard looking up
Someone climbing
More trees and leaves

April 10, 2002
Fire (fireplace?)
Daybed with a cat on it
Someone walking in holding a kitten

April 16, 2002
Window
Half cat/Half girl sitting by it

Shattered by you
Dreaming up a storm
of rage
Years of trying
Coming down now
Wishes and hopes
For a lifetimes
Shattered
in a moment
Dreams every night
becoming nightmares
Everything I dreamt
wished or hoped
Gone in a moment

*Note, I'm sure anyone that remembers being 13 remembers feeling like you've lost everything in the world.....normally over something very, very little

Enter a world
Where all your dreams
Come true
Where all the lies
turn to truth
Where there's no
pain
Come to life
In this world

*Note.....I...got nothing

Come to life
See the truth
Know the lies
Come to see
See the path
Know the arrows
Come to know
See the people
KNow the answers
Come to Life
Let them know
Let them see
Let them come

*Note, before I write this (again don't know why) I feel I should explain something. I used to (and maybe still sometimes do) close my eyes and press my palms up against them. I'd see splotches of color that (in my mind I guess) would eventually turn into pictures that I could clearly (very, very clearly) see...and for some reason I'd write them down and call them mysteries. Maybe it's a crazy delusion thing, or maybe I actually saw these things with the minds third eye. Who knows.

March 23, 2002
A girl walking turns and stops at water
Two people come walking behind her
A guy and girl
They come to the other girl who's crying
Now, they're gone

March 26, 2002
A girl lying unconscious
Someone smiling
An alligator or something
_______
Water
A girl and guy under it
Bones
Eyes frozen in horror
_______
Wind shield whippers
Rain
A Butler driving
A Teddy bear
Someone smiling

You never stop for me
You never think
You never listen
You're never there
Every time I need you
You've never there
When I don't need you
You're never there
You never show
You never stay
You never come
You're everywhere but here
With everyone but me
You leave, come back, and leave again

*Note, I still have mother issues, but I think I've a better handle on them now....And why the hell am I torturing myself (and any readers) with these really bad flashbacks....Oh well

Life in sorrow
Never knowing why
Everyone says this
Everyone says that
All I really need to know
Is it's not my fault
Everything they say's / not because of me
Everything they do / isn't because of me
Never knowing why
Don't live in sorrow
It's not me
I'm not the reason
Nothing I did is at fault
Gotta be strong
Gotta be brave
Gotta learn not to listen
Gotta know how to leave
Gotta know to think of something else
Gotta learn to runaway from it

(I swear my writing has gotten better since then, promise (and my spelling tehe). Just felt like going through old notebooks and posting the writings in them.)

*Note, while looking at these so far, I've discovered for some reason my brain decided to use now for know, and vise versa. My grammar got better too.